I feel uncomfortable speaking up and presenting during meetings and calls at work, how do I find my voice?
“I Work in an organisation with a lot of men who seem very confident and happy to express their opinions in any setting, especially meetings. Even though I do have things to say, I find it very hard to speak up. In the past when I have tried speaking up I’ve struggled to get my point out quickly enough and I sensed some impatience in the group or people were fiddling with their laptops as if they weren’t paying attention. As a consequence I’m feeling overlooked in terms of progression in the company and I need something to change with how I’m perceived. I’m not sure where to start. “
Anonymous NOWIE member
I think the key issue here is you need to practise and get comfortable speaking up in a way that means people listen to you in a place or places that feel ‘safe’ first. Then when you feel more ready/skilled you can apply what you’ve practised in the more pressured situations you are struggling with currently.
You could volunteer on a committee outside of work. This has the double bonus that if it's a committee or a trustee role related to your industry you get serious credibility points as well as practice outside your organisation. Similarly you could join an organisation like Toastmasters where people develop their public speaking skills alongside others wanting to grow their speaking confidence.
Find a place that suits you or sympathetic people to practise with. In my case, as a freelancer, I overcame my reluctance to speak up at the start of my career by paying an annual subscription to join a business networking group where I had to speak about myself and my work for a minute every week. It took a while to get used to it, but it worked.
Feeling prepared enough can also help a lot. If part of your reluctance to speak in meetings is feeling unsure you have all your facts straight and your words in order before you are ready to speak, do whatever you need in order to be ready when the moment comes. Do you need an agenda or a purpose/goal/outcome for a meeting a few days in advance? Do you need to write out the points you want to make in bullet form? Do you want to prepare something in writing to avoid having to speak at length at all? If the key meetings you attend for some reason don’t have clear agendas - you could volunteer to provide them.
Another strategy that might work whilst you build your speaking confidence is to build a relationship with a key person in authority or the person who tends to run the most important meeting(s) where you wish you speak up. Be useful outside the meeting scenario. Build trust. This way as your relationship builds either you can tell them you wish to be called on about a particular point or get it added as an agenda point so it’s in writing for all to see.
You are not stuck in this position. If you build your confidence and preparedness to speak, you can change how these meetings work for you.
Tamara Gal-On, Creative Industries and Intuition Coach
Understanding what’s going on here
I have huge respect for the work of Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor who wrote the book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work back in 1994. If I can crudely summarise, men and women are socialised to use different styles of speaking, and women’s contributions are often not heard because of this difference. She insists that women’s style doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’, and I agree, but being aware of how language is being used in YOUR meetings can be illuminating.
You can sit and listen first: you may hear people using ‘male’ linguistic styles like: bragging, positioning themselves as one-up over other people, taking credit by using ‘I’ instead of ‘We’, or using ritual opposition where you oppose other people’s ideas as a way of interrogating them.
There’s no right or wrong here. Nationality and class are also strong influences on our linguistic preferences. A linguistic style that women are socialised to use can be apologetic or indirect, for example: “sorry, but I don’t think that would work for me…” or “would it be okay if…” or “can we…?”. Compare that to a linguistic style that men are socialised to use: “that doesn’t work for me”, “I recommend that…” or “Let’s do this:...” which is unapologetic and direct - styles which are valued more in many male centred work spaces.
During your meeting
If the talk is going at a pace, you can pre-announcing that you are going to make a comment - to give yourself time to speak without interruption. Saying: “I have something to say on this” allows you to then proceed with your point without having to start making it part of your interjection into the conversation.
You can write your ideas down so you’re prepared when it's time to share - after the meeting you can even share on email to emphasise your points, but be careful not to do too much back-channelling (you could mention in the room you have some more points to follow up on email, and then take a bit of time to craft your contribution.
Finally, to side-step these gender roles you can become aware of the language being used and what’s going on. Consider putting yourself in the ‘chair’ position or asking your chairperson to be more inclusive of different styles - this default to male socialised styles can be changed to a way of managing meetings that encourages everyone to participate and all voices to be heard.
I recommend you take a look at the brilliant Harvard Business Review article by Tannen “The Power of Talk, Who Gets Heard and Why” to learn more.
Remi Harris MBE, Trainer, Business Advisor and Coach
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Music Leaders Network is the transformational leadership development programme for mid-career women in music. Co-founded by Remi Harris MBE and Tamara Gal-On, its powerful blend of executive coaching, training and a supportive network support 'life-changing' results for women ready for professional growth.
