I’ve got to have a difficult conversation with someone in my team
“Someone I manage is always second guessing my decisions, I give them tasks to do and they don’t do them (and don’t report back), and I don’t feel like they are on board with our overall plans - I know they are really skilled and respected in the industry, I don’t think it’s that they aren’t able to do these things - so I need to have a conversation with them to try and get to the bottom of it but I’ve been putting it off for a few weeks. Help!”
Anonymous NOWIE member
It can be very easy to keep putting off a difficult conversation because many of us (who dislike conflict) feel as challenged by the idea of having the conversation as we do about the difficult behaviour we need to manage. Preparing thoroughly can be the key to getting into action. Useful steps in preparing for a difficult conversation include establishing your preferred way to engage. Do you feel best prepared with a set time and place for a meeting, with an agenda? Is your best set up to be face to face in person, or with a little distance e.g. via Zoom? Or are you better with something less formal and more impromptu? And just as importantly what do you think your colleague will respond best to?
It also helps to set a clear intention about the conversation. Do you want to have a calm chat that leads to greater clarity about what is going on? Do you want to have a frank exchange which clears the air? Do you want your colleague to understand the impact of their behaviour? How will you know it was a success? What will you feel or what will have happened?
Once you’ve decided on the logistics of setting up your optimal meeting and how you’ll know it was a success, the next step is brushing up your active listening skills. It’s all too easy to go into these conversations armed with preconceptions or frustrations to air but actually ensuring you are doing active listening will help the conversation go more smoothly. In a nutshell:
● Give the person your full attention (no phones on the desk suggesting your attention is divided or emails pinging in the background).
● Let them say everything they have to say without interrupting.
● Don’t formulate your own answer whilst they are speaking. Wait until they are done. Even wait a little longer after they have apparently finished to see if they have anything to add. Or ask them if there is anything else they want to add.
● Remember, many of us speak and think at different speeds. Make sure you’re leaving enough time for the other person in this difficult conversation to think and speak. You’ll get better answers that way.
● Open yourself up to hearing what they are not saying. What does their body language tell you? Be open to your own intuitive nudges - which you’ll hear way more easily when you’re not speaking
● Avoid asking “why” questions? (This is a no-no in coaching because it makes people very defensive). Compare “Why are you failing to report back your progress?” to “What do you think is the key thing getting in the way of you reporting your progress?”
Finally I find it helps to prepare yourself energetically speaking. I find what works for my clients is aligning with one of their primary values. You can find a values exercise here. Why does this help? Well, when we operate from any of our core values, we turn up as the best version of ourselves and we feel authentic to others. For example, if you have a primary value of kindness, you would want to ask questions that align with that, they’ll feel good to you and feel authentic to your colleague. Or if, say, you have a primary value of making a difference, you would want to be sure that you keep coming back to the energy of that. Even using your value wording in your discussions can be powerful if you use it as framing. What can I do to make a difference in this situation?
Some people who have core values like love or family often assume this type of value doesn’t apply in the workplace. But if you have family as a primary value, you showing up with a perspective of “I want my team to feel like family”, or “I want to treat my colleagues as if they were family” can work in a professional setting. If you feel love sits wrong, is there a value that sits within it - like compassion or caring that would work better? Anything that is associated with your core value will work far better for you than choosing to be combative or forceful if that’s not your style.
I have a primary value of joy. Finding myself in a similar situation to yours, at first I assumed I would have to skip over joy for tackling difficult conversations and move on to my next value. Then I realised that whilst I might not find any joy in having a difficult conversation, I was highly motivated to have a conversation that ended with my colleague feeling renewed joy in the work they were doing with me. That was enough to shift me out of avoidance and into having the necessary conversation. As soon as we use a core value as a lens we can usually see a situation very differently and feel more ready to do what needs to be done.
Good luck with your conversation.
Tamara Gal-On, Creative Industries and Intuition Coach
There can be a number of reasons why relationships at work can get sticky.
It’s great that you see your colleague as skilled and respected, it’s always worth checking in how they feel about their tasks though. It could be a management issue on your part where you have overestimated their level of confidence and experience, and they are uncomfortable saying that they don’t know. It could also be that they are experienced, but that you haven’t given them enough ownership over the tasks they are being given, leading to you ‘chasing and checking’ all the time.
A broader way of understanding what might be going on is this quote from the book Dare To Lead by Brene Brown:
“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviour.”
If we class what your colleague is doing as ineffective and unproductive behaviour (or basically behaviour that works for them on some level, but isn’t getting your team to perform well) then that puts you in the position of spending lots of time trying to manage this and getting nowhere.
So the next step is to understand what fears or feelings are causing their behaviour, and you’ll do this through observing their behaviour and communication and talking to them using active listening.
Things which you might learn from this include:
They feel annoyed that they haven’t felt listened to when the plans were being explained, and that problems they’ve pointed out haven’t been dealt with, so are struggling to do the tasks.
They feel frustrated that they had been promised they would have certain responsibilities in this role, but instead have been given only bits and pieces of tasks - so are now totally unmotivated.
They are afraid of saying that they have some personal pressures at the moment that are causing them to lose concentration at work or need extra support, because they are afraid this will cause them to lose the work or look incapable.
The point is, that until you listen, you don’t know whether it’s a role issue, a communication issue, a personal issue or something else. You can’t assume any of these things either (sorry) but an open conversation that helps you to understand them, and helps them to share their concerns could be the key to this tricky conversation.
Remi Harris MBE, Trainer, Business Advisor and Coach
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Music Leaders Network is the transformational leadership development programme for mid-career women in music. Co-founded by Remi Harris MBE and Tamara Gal-On, its powerful blend of executive coaching, training and a supportive network support 'life-changing' results for women ready for professional growth.
